Altered Board Book

Healing Hearts Accordion Book

I have long been drawn to books. Since childhood they have represented a fantastic escape, a way for me to revise the parts of my life I chose to bury or repress. Books, like any art, function as a sort of container. In the art studio, witnessing clients as they descended into the transformative depths of grief, it was my responsibility to create a therapeutic container to hold their stories. Story by story, memory by memory, dream by dream, clients bravely gave themselves over to grief. I started journaling and creating altered books as a form of self-care during my internship, creating the same therapeutic container for myself that I sought to offer my clients in the art studio. But as I sat to write this statement I realized that I was not taking the next step. I was making this art and writing it off as self-care so I wouldn't be forced to engage in the same shadow-work I beheld my clients bravely doing on a daily basis.

The last piece I created was an accordion book of illustrations depicting a young girl repairing and creating her heart. Repair or creation entails that her heart was somehow broken, lost, or missing. My clients suffered from similar heartache, a fruitless yearning to fill a void with something or someone they could no longer physically grasp. This void never goes away, but it does change shape. Sitting in the ambiguous between-space of grief, unsure of everything they held such faith in, clients started to rebuild their hearts. At times the profound resiliency of my clients would leave me breathless. As I made these pieces my breath returned; I was grounded by creating something in the midst of so much loss. But until now I didn’t understand that within every act of creation there also lies loss. With even the happiest of transitions there is mourning for moving past what once was. I cannot definitively offer you the meaning of these pieces because I am still sitting with not knowing, ambiguity, and fear. What my clients have taught me is that it is okay to take my time in this space, for it is a space filled with potential - a space of rest, restoration, and reclamation.

^ This is my favorite :)

Step One: A Literal Pain in My Ass

After being diagnosed with FHCA - Functional Hypothalmic Chronic Anovulation - I am set to begin the first of a long series of fertility treatments. I have already tried estrogen pills; they not only made me sick but also failed to have the desired effect upon my body. My estrogen levels remain nearly nonexistent and my endometrial lining unable to sustain any form of implantation.

To rectify my brain's inability to send messages to my ovaries for estrogen production I will begin a series of injections to bypass the brain-gonadal axis. These shots will hopefully deliver a more stable and direct release of estrogen.

The downside? These are not tiny subcutaneous injections - these are literally horse needles to be injected by my partner into my gluteal muscle 2x/week for the next few months. I wasn't worried about these injections until I made the mistake of opening the package containing the syringes just delivered from a Denver pharmacy. This is what I found:

Wish me luck :/

Why I Will Pay 4$ For My Coffee

In its mission statement Starbucks aspires to be a "3rd place", a place where one can find a sense of community between home and work. In a society where community is sorely lacking, a third place serves as a form of "community building". For me, whenever I feel sad and hopeless I know that a visit to my local Starbucks will alleviate the pain of social isolation. In his book The Great Good Place Ray Oldenburg asserts that 3rd places like Starbucks are important for civil society, democracy, civic engagement, and establishing feelings of a sense of place.

All the baristas at my local Starbucks know me by both name and drink. They always ask about my day with sincere interest and offer support when they sense that I'm having a rough one. I wrote my graduate thesis at Starbucks because their support provided me with a constant source of motivation and nurturance. Their belief in me let me cultivate trust in myself. Recently, after applying for my dream job, my Starbucks crew gave me a pep talk on all the reasons I should be hired. Again, they helped me restore faith in myself when it was lacking. Today my husband went through the drive-thru and they asked him if I had received word from this prospective employer. Adam came home with this:

CD Swap Among Friends

In preparation for a road-trip my friend's Chelsea and Amy had the brilliant idea to do a CD swap. They invited friends to create and mail mix CD's for their trip and be given a mix CD in return.

I had a whole lot of fun with this project. Among the 2 CD's I made was 1 entitled, "Songs Inspired by _________" (they have to fill in the blank after listening to the CD - **hint: what is one of my favorite things in this world?**). Once they have listened to the CD they can learn more about each individual song on the mix.

Researching the lyrics, meaning, history, and inspiration behind each song gave me a new appreciation for all that goes into the creation of a single song. Best wishes and much love to Chels an Amy. And above all, safe travels!!!! <3

Couch Potatoes

For the past few days I have enjoyed a rarity in Colorado - rain. The onslaught of this weather couldn't have come at a better time, as I am relaxing after graduating from graduate school and before starting a new job as grief counselor/art therapist at a local hospice. I caught these images of my dogs enjoying this weather in a similar way. Sunshine is great, but once in a while a rainy day comes along to make you appreciate the sunshine all the more.

The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

New Journey, New Space

It's been way too long since I've last posted. I've finally graduated from my master's program and have the time to dedicate to this blog. My renewed blogging is part of a very intentional effort towards taking better care of myself. I have gutted my apartment and created a living space aligned with my "cultivated warmth" style statement. Part of this gutting process was the creation of a meditation shrine. Every morning I wake up and meditate for 5-10 minutes. I usually pick a "soul card" to reflect on during my meditation. As a part of my infertility treatments I have also started seeing a nutritionist and acupuncturist. It is time to start living a more grounded, intentional, authentic, and wholehearted life.

A New Journey, New Space

New couch and rocking chair - a perfect place to sip wine and read a good book.

I've decided to surround myself with things that make me smile, like fresh flowers.

Freshly organized bookshelves - so much reading to look forward to....

My meditation shrine/space.